


I'm Not Her

by Brieannakeogh



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Penis In Vagina Sex, Reader-Insert, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-10-10 20:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17433365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brieannakeogh/pseuds/Brieannakeogh
Summary: It's hard to summarize without spoiling the 1st chapter. Bucky's been out of the team game for 70 odd years. His first mission back doesn't go as expected.





	1. Chapter 1

Bucky had been training for months. He finally felt ready to help with missions and Steve agreed. The rift between Steve and Tony took a while to heal. Bucky didn’t blame Tony, he understood how he felt, but he wasn’t willing to give up his life or Steve. Honestly he was surprised when Tony called them. Some big bad was trying to take over the world and in the process of defeating it the rift was somewhat mended. Steve and Bucky got to go home to New York, well upstate New York. Steve started right back up as the leader, but Bucky couldn’t work well with a team. He had been alone for 70 years, never relying on anyone else. The only person he trusted to watch his back was Steve. So he trained, and trained, and did lots of group mock missions. Finally he thought he could do it, work as part of a team. He should have known better. 

 

It was his first mission being part of the Avengers. It was supposed to be simple, easy. A couple of enhanced were robbing a bank. Steve was lead on it, but stayed back on a rooftop observing, being the eyes and ears. 

 

“Buck, you and Nat take the back entrance. There are two guards, non-enhanced, at the door. Nat can get through the window above with a boost and then let you in. Sam, I want you at the front entrance creating a distraction with the enhanced. We don’t know what they can do yet so just talk to them. See what you can find out.”

 

“Aye aye Captain.” Sam calls through coms and Bucky hears him start to chatter loudly through the front door of the bank.

 

Nat nudges him, and points to follow her. They get around to the back entrance and there is a small window about 20 feet up. Bucky bends low as Nat comes running at him, pushing her off at the last moment. She scales the wall gripping the edge of the window with her fingertips. She is through the window and opening the door in less than five minutes. 

 

He walks past two unconscious men and a smirking Nat. Ducking around a corner staying low and quiet, gun drawn up, Nat moves behind him in the same position. Technically, for his first mission back, he is the one in charge to make the calls, even though Steve is overseeing the operation. It’s as much of a test as anything. 

 

Bucky can see the hostages around the doorway he’s hiding behind. They have them huddled up together in a corner. The only civilian that isn’t with them is a teller that is getting the money from each till and putting it into their bag. 

 

“I’ve got eyes on the hostages. They are all out of the way but one, for now. Birdbrain I need to know what they are packing before we make a play.” Bucky says into coms. 

 

Sam starts yelling and waving his arms wildly trying to get both of their attentions. It was a man and woman team, both on the younger side and seem to be new to their power from Bucky’s guess. They didn’t seem very confident. The guy was interacting with Sam, but the woman had kept her eye on the teller and the money. From their position they couldn’t see the other hostages clearly so he made eye contact with Nat, pointing at the hostages and doing a little circle motion in the air and pointed to the exit. She nodded and went off around the side to gather them up and lead them out the back door. 

 

When Sam started going off, it distracted the woman, eyes darting between the teller and the front door. On one of these distractions he caught the tellers eye and hers went wide as he put his finger to his lips. He indicated to keep doing what she was doing, but help was here. She nodded and went back to putting money in the bag. 

 

All of a sudden Bucky heard a crash of glass, and looked up to see the woman striding towards Sam with her hand out. Sam was knocked on his ass, glass from the doors and front windows scattered around him. 

 

Bucky muttered a curse, coming out from his position with his gun drawn. “Leave him alone lady.” He shouts to her. Steve is in his ear asking what’s going on, but he ignores him. 

 

“You know I’m so tired of you so called ‘heroes’ mucking up everything for us.” She turns to face Bucky. The guy goes to stand over Sam, arm held in a similar position. “My brother and I just needed a little extra cash to get us through winter, like a Christmas present, but no you couldn’t even let us have a little fun.” 

 

A blast of air is shot out of her upraised arm and the wind is knocked out of Bucky, his gun sliding across the floor as he lands on his back. “Nat, we’ve got force users. Where the fuck are you? Get that teller out now.” He growls. 

 

“Kinda busy Barnes. Three non-enhanced covering the escape route. Civies are out though.” She answers, huffing out with grunts interlaced in the words. 

 

“Get ready.” Sam says quietly into coms and Bucky sees the little drone, that Sam has a cutesy name for, come out of nowhere knocking the guy off his feet. Sam is on top of him quickly, neutralizing him. 

 

Bucky sees the woman turn to Sam and her brother, so with a shout he’s running straight at her, going for a tackle. She turns back to him, arm raised and another blast of air is released, but he doesn’t get thrown back. The girl, the teller, intercepts it. Taking the full force of the blast. He watches her go down, a bit of blood trickling out her mouth. The enhanced woman seems just as surprised, so he takes that opportunity to grab the knife from his boot, throwing it and hitting her square in the chest. 

 

The thunk sound echos as he runs to the girl that kept him from getting hit. He sees the softball sized crater in her back, about half an inch deep. He knows she won’t survive, but calls Steve for medical evac anyway. Lifting her front to lay in his lap, he sees she’s still conscious, eyes blinking up at him where her head is turned to the side. He moves the hair from her face, taking in her features, she had her whole life left, young, pretty, why would she do that?

 

That’s exactly what he asks. “Why doll? Why did you take the hit? I could have survived it.” 

 

“But...you’re Bucky...hurts...no...hurts.” She wheezes out, the blood filling her lungs even as she smiles at him. His heart stutters, she knew who he was and stepped in the way anyway. He whispers pretty lies to her as she lays there dieing. She gripped his hand so tight, he thought for a moment she might be super, but soon her hand slacked and he couldn’t hear the bubbling from her lungs. 

 

The EMTs declared her DOA, ten minutes after the blast happened. Bucky didn’t want to release her body, still trying to feel for a pulse when Steve laid a hand on his shoulder. Steve could see the cracks that it left behind in his friend’s soul even months after the incident. He had thought he was getting the old Bucky back, but after that Buck went cold. Pushing through mission after mission, never looking at the casualty list, only referring to them as statistics. While during the war that was what they needed to do to keep their head on straight out in the wilderness and the cold, this wasn’t WWII. Steve tried to get him to stop, see someone, but Bucky knew what words to say to get his friend to let him keep at it. 

 

Bucky dove head first into his work. If he couldn’t save her, he would save everyone in his power. Hoping the sheer count of lives saved against hers made up for it. It was six months after that he saw her again. Walking on the streets of Brooklyn, he passed right by her. He knew it was her. It was the same face he saw every night before bed, and every morning when he got up. After he got over the shock, he turned to find her in the crowd, but she wasn’t there. He spent an hour walking up and down that street and alleyways to no avail. Of course when he told Steve what he saw, he wanted to send him to the shrink again. He knew what he saw. He wasn’t crazy. When he saw her again two weeks later in a coffee shop, he didn’t bother telling Steve about it, and the fact that he couldn’t get there in time before she disappeared again had nothing to do with it. 

 

The apartment in Brooklyn Bucky got, not long after the incident, was cozy, to say the least. Tiny one bedroom apartment with a bathroom, kitchen and living room. Tony had offered to get him something else but the last thing he needed was an even more guilty conscious by taking Tony’s help. He just couldn’t stay at the Avengers base anymore. The looks he was getting were driving him crazy, well more crazy if you were to believe Sam. So the fact that he kept seeing her pop up all over his neighborhood in Brooklyn wasn’t doing him any favors. 

 

He started to think he might be crazy, until he ran into her again, literally. She was exiting a local bakery as he was trying to enter. It would be a good meet cute if she wasn’t supposed to be dead. 

 

He helped steady her, picking up the little brown bag she dropped, filled with pastries. Getting finally a real clear look at her, as his arm extended offering her the bag. She was bigger than he remembered, but that made sense if she was in recovery all this time. Had Steve lied to him? Tony had said he looked at the autopsy report, even told him when the funeral was. He was on a mission out of the country at the time, but how was she standing here? 

 

His voice came out cracked and raw as he said the name he had memorized on her file. Her eyes widened, jaw working without any sound coming out. He sees her eyes well up as she speaks. 

 

“That was my sister.” 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

 

You looked up at the large man, who’s currently holding your bagel and cruller. It had felt like running into a wall when you stepped out of the shop. The last thing you expected when he spoke was the name of your twin sister. Did he know her? She had passed away in a bank robbery gone wrong around six months ago. You had been abroad studying in France, learning to work in art restoration, they had some of the best in the world. When you heard about your sister you tried to rush back, but couldn’t because of the program you were in. 

 

They say twins can feel each other when they die. That wasn’t the case with you. You were sitting in a class, learning which products worked best for Renaissance paintings when your phone rang, ignoring it you didn’t get the message for another hour. After that your heart wasn’t in it anymore. So you got on a plane as soon as you could, back home, to Brooklyn. 

 

The two of you had been raised by a single mom, in this neighborhood, even if your sister’s apartment was in Manhattan now, this was home. Your mom did her best to get by, with the increasing cost of living in the area after it was cleaned up and hipsters moved in. After your mom had passed, the life insurance had been divided between you both, you going on to try to pursue your dreams and your sister taking a much more realistic approach and got a job at a bank. Eventually moving to bank manager at a large bank in a ‘safe’ area of Manhattan. So much for that. 

 

By the time you got back from France your extended relatives had already had the funeral and cleaned out her apartment into a small storage unit, that you paid through the nose for. It had felt useless to come back. It was all taken care of. She didn’t need you in life or in death. 

 

You and your sister were closish. Not the way most sisters were, or especially the way twins were. She was practical, responsible. Doing what she thought was right, helping take care of everything in the family, organized. You on the other hand were whimsical, letting your heart and will take you on an adventure. Following your heart took you to extreme highs and extreme lows, but you never thought it lead you astray. That was something your sister and you had fought about constantly. She was always on the straight and narrow, doing what she was supposed to do, not what she wanted to do. She never took risks, which is why it came as such a shock when you found out how she died. Protecting the guy that came in to save her. You couldn’t understand it. Now it seemed he was standing in front of you. 

 

You didn’t recognize him at first, but the glint at his wrist from his metal arm clued you in. There couldn’t be that many superheroes with a metal arm, could there? 

 

You watch as his face drops in disappointment and you take the bag back from him. He runs a hand over his face. “Your sister, of course. Twins.” He mutters more to himself than you. 

 

“I guess you would be Sergeant Barnes.” 

 

He straightens his shoulders, looking more like taking a heavy weight back onto them than anything. “Yes ma’am.” 

 

“Can you answer one question for me?” He nods stiffly. “Why did my sister step in to protect you?” He flinches, physically flinches like you slapped him. It almost makes you regret asking him, even though that question has been plaguing you for months. 

 

His jaw working around nothing, you can see the horror in his eyes remembering that moment, but you just can’t take it back. Who knows when you’ll get this chance again? 

 

Steeling himself. “I honestly don’t know.” You can hear the defeat in his voice, like he has been asking himself the same question as much as you have. 

 

“Ok, ok.” You sigh heavily, your sister would apparently take that answer to her grave too. 

 

“She recognized me.” Bucky let out quietly, like it was shameful. 

 

Your head snapped up. “What?” 

 

He nodded. “She said my name as she was,” He swallowed. “It was one of her last words.” 

 

“Do you think...do you think we could go somewhere and talk?” Pain flashed in his eyes and you could see him pulling back. “I just want to know what happened. The papers didn’t report exactly what took place, and I wasn’t here to talk with the police or EMTs. Please?” 

 

He didn’t know if he could do it, but you looked up at him with those same eyes that hunted him every time he closed his own. It would be part of his amends to her. Letting her sister know the final details of her life. He had to do it. 

 

The nod he gave flooded your chest with relief. This was the last person to see her alive, this was your last connection to her. You needed the closure. “There’s a little park a couple of blocks that way?” You suggest. 

 

His response of, “I know the one.” surprised you, but you let him lead the way. Gripping your little bag and coffee tightly, you follow him to the small park, really an empty lot someone planted flowers in, but it was nice and had a bench to sit. The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes, neither knowing where to start. To ease the tension, you took out your cruller and ripped it in half, offering one half to him. He refused, but you sat it on his knee regardless, taking a careful bite of yours. 

 

“Enhanced had been the ones to rob the place, correct?” You asked and chewed, staring at a flower in front of you. 

 

“Yes, two. Their names and powers are classified though.” He tore off a chunk of the cruller in his lap, letting the sugar get rid of the bitter taste in his mouth. 

 

“You got everyone else out, why wasn’t she with the group?” You knew she was the one that was left bagging the money, your aunt had said as much. 

 

“The hostages were huddled in a group, hidden from the hostiles. We extracted them first before the hostiles engaged, ending in a fight.” It sounded rehearsed. Like something he had to say over and over. Clean, clinical, cold. You knew this was what was in the report, it had to be. His voice warmed and cracked. “She...your sister, wasn’t with that group, she stepped in front of a blast meant for me. I took the opportunity to...finish the fight.” 

 

The way he said ‘finish’ left little to the imagination. He killed the person who had taken her from you. That was good. You appreciated that. “What did she say?” His head jerked to you, eyes wide as he swallowed. 

 

“There wasn’t much. She was hit in the back, her lungs weren’t workin’ that well. She said my name, and ‘hurts’.” He paused and licked his lips, trying to keep his throat from locking up. “What I remember the most was her smile. She was so happy to be dyin’ in my arms.” He looked down at his hands in his lap, picturing her looking up at him. “I tried to make her comfortable. I knew it wasn’t long. The smile was still on her face when they declared her. I never understood it.” He shook his head, trying to rid himself of the memories again. 

 

It just didn’t make sense. She was so careful, she didn’t take risks. You look over to the man next to you and see he’s in turmoil, just like you. You know you pushed past where he was comfortable, but you just had to know. 

 

Placing a hand on his knee, he looks up at you. You see his bloodshot eyes that are surrounded by dark circles. You had known about his past, everyone did. Sergeant Barnes had been brainwashed, tortured and controlled, killing the innocent against his will, but he seemed so broken talking about having failed to save your sister. A lot of people thought Barnes and the Winter Soldier were the same being, after this you can definitely say they are not. 

 

“I don’t know why she would do that. It doesn’t seem like her at all, but she must of had a reason. I’m just happy to know she was smiling in the end. That she didn’t regret it.” 

 

He’s shaking his head. “What reason could she have had? I would have been hurt, sure, but not killed at that distance.” 

 

“My sister was always responsible. She did what she was supposed to, never took risks. If she stepped in front of you I don’t doubt that there was a reason for it.” You smiled a little. “She wasn’t like me, with poor impulse control.” You turn more to him, making sure he’s really looking at you. “Listen, I love my sister and I can see what happened has really torn you up, but I want you to know, it’s not your fault. It was her decision, whatever her reason was. Please don’t beat yourself up about it anymore than you already have, ok?” 

 

He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that it was her closest living relative that was saying these things to him, or if it was because it was coming from someone with her face, but the weight he had been carrying on his chest since that day finally lifted a bit. He could take in a full breath, he didn’t fail her. Exhaling slowly, he took your hand that was on his knee and squeezed. “Thank you.” You just nodded and he could see the tears form in your eyes, blinking them back. He took out his phone, wanting to do something, anything, for this woman that looked so like her. 

 

“May I see your phone?” Bucky asked. You look at him in confusion before producing the device. His was Stark tech it looked like, and he held it to yours, clicking a few buttons. “That’s my personal number. If you ever need anything, call me.” 

 

“Thanks, but I’m pretty good at staying out of trouble, especially only a couple of blocks from home.” You chuckle. While you could always find trouble, usually it didn’t stick. 

 

His eyes widen. “You live around here?” 

 

“Yeah, why?” 

 

“That’s why I’ve been seeing you all over the place.” He seemed relieved, running a hand through his hair. “I thought I was going crazy.” He laughs. 

 

You snort. “We’re twins but it’s not like we look that much alike. I got the shit end of the metabolism stick, plus how can you go to France and not eat a ton of the food. They are masters of indulgence.”

 

“France?” 

 

“Yeah, I was studying over there. Art restoration. I didn’t make it back for the funeral.” 

 

“Steve and I were over there a lot during the war. I don’t remember the food being that good.” He smirked at you. 

 

“That was years ago and they were rationing at the time. I don’t think  _ any _ food would have been good back then.”

 

He laughed, a warm rich sound that you could quickly become addicted to. “Yeah, food is much better now.” 

 

You realize that he’s still holding your hand, so you interlock your fingers and sit back relaxed on the bench. Closing your eyes, you turn to face the sun, letting it warm you. He shifts beside you and you peek out under your lashes and see him copy your position. He takes in a breath and sighs, squeezing your hand a little. The two of you sit there for what seems like a long while, warm in the sun, until the buildings around you swallow it up and the shade comes in. 

 

Taking your hand from his, you sit up and stretch. “That’s the most relaxed I’ve been in the last 6 months.” You giggle. He nods and cracks his neck. You hear a whirring noise and see his arm do some twisty motions under his jacket. “Thank you Sergeant Barnes for talking with me, even though I know it was painful.” 

 

“Bucky.” 

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“My friends call me Bucky.” He states as he stands up, reaching a hand down to help you up. 

 

“Well, thank you Bucky. Hopefully we’ll see each other again.” 

 

The two of you walk out of the little lot, each going in a separate direction. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

The walk home takes a little longer than normal, taking your time, your mind more on the long haired soldier than the direction you’re going. You really had appreciated his candor, even if you could tell it was still fresh and painful in his mind. Although, you think he looked a little lighter as he walked away. It still puzzled you that your sister would sacrifice herself for someone else, not that she was a bad person, just rational and logical, and to have a smile while doing it? You shook your head. His story seemed to bring more questions than answers, but you were relieved that she hadn’t been alone. For months the thought of her bleeding out on the cold floor, alone and in pain, haunted your every thought, you’ve never been so glad to be wrong. 

 

Bucky was amazed at how light he felt walking down the sidewalk. Each step coming easy, where even this morning he had to fight his own body just to put one foot in front of the other. You had given him that. The peace that came with being told it wasn’t his fault. That he had done his best. Your smile so like the one that use to haunt him. 

 

Steve had noticed the difference when he came in the next morning for the briefing on the last mission. Bucky’s movements more fluid and sure, instead of dragging, effort taking up the simplest of tasks. “Ya got a spring in your step there Buck. Anyone you want to tell me about?” Steve asks. 

 

“Actually, yeah.” He smiles softly. Steve’s eyes go wide, he had been joking, not expecting that response. “I met my mystery girl yesterday.” 

 

“Mystery girl?” 

 

“The one I had been seeing everywhere, that made you think I was crazy. The one that looked like...ya know.” 

 

Steve sat down in shock at the large conference table. Either his friend had gone totally off the bin or something else was going on. He licked his lips. “Ok?” 

 

“Twin.” Bucky smirked. 

 

“What?” The blond’s eyebrows crinkled in the middle. 

 

“She had a twin.” Bucky sat beside him. “That’s who I was seeing everywhere. She lives in my neighborhood.” 

 

The breath Steve was holding rushed out of him. His best friend wasn’t unstable, he wasn’t crazy, she fucking had a twin. His face hurt from the bright smile on his face. “That’s great Buck!” He clapped him on the shoulder. “That still doesn’t explain the good mood this morning. You didn’t really think you were crazy did you?” 

 

“I was starting to.” He chuckled. “But no, we talked yesterday. I told her...well, just about everything. She wanted to know how it all went down. Her acceptance lifted this weight off my chest. I feel like I can take a full breath in.” He looked down and shook his head, hiding his face in his hair. “I hadn’t felt like this since ya found me, gave me another purpose besides killing the good guys.” 

 

“Yeah we just kill the bad guys around here. Makes for more paperwork however.” Steve smirks. “You going to see her again?” 

 

Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t know. I gave her my number if she needs anything. She didn’t seem like the type to use it, said she’s good staying out of trouble.” He chuckled. “I don’t believe her for a second. I mean, I’m an ex-assassin super soldier that she dragged into an empty lot to talk to her about her dead sister. Trouble probably finds her.” 

 

“Did you get her number?” 

 

“Why would I get her number? I only gave her mine in case she needs help.” His face pinched up in confusion.

 

“Of course you did.” Steve smirks sarcastically. 

 

“Knock it off punk!” Bucky playfully shoves his friend’s shoulder. 

 

“Jerk.” A smile on Steve’s face as he stands up, walking out of the conference room. 

 

Bucky blushes thinking he had messed up by not getting her number. 

 

Two weeks pass by before you see Bucky again. He’s sitting in the little bakery shop you met him in front of last time. Large cup of coffee on the table in front of him and big size-of-your-head muffin on a plate beside it, hadn’t been touched yet. 

 

The door chimes as you go in, but he doesn’t look up. Grabbing a napkin from the counter, you head to his table, plucking the muffin up and breaking off half of the top as you sit. He watches in complete shock as his muffin leaves the table. When his eyes turn to you, you probably should have been scared of the murderous rage that greets you, but you just smile wider. The fire cooling in his eyes as he registers it’s you, tension in his shoulders relaxing and calmly slides the knife he pulled back in his boot. 

 

“Hello to you too. Why are you desecrating my muffin?” 

 

You shrug. “I gave you half of my cruller. I’m only taking a quarter of your muffin, you should be grateful.” Popping a piece you stole into your mouth. “So what are you up to today?” Breaking off another chunk of your quarter and chewing around it.

 

“I was having a calm breakfast before a crazy person stole part of my muffin.” He replied, pulling the rest of the muffin closer to him for protection. 

 

Your head tilts. “Thought you were the one everyone thought was crazy?” 

 

He snorts. “You up and proved yourself to be real, so woohoo for no hallucinations for me. You on the other hand, took food from a literal murderer who can kill you in about 36 ways right now. Wait make that 37, there is a toothpick on that table.” 

 

Following his sight, you see a toothpick on the table next to the one you are at. “A toothpick? You’re threatening me with a toothpick?” 

 

“Sure am, Doll.” 

 

“If these are prison food fight rules, than I have to warn you. I’m packin’.” 

 

He leans in closer, smirk on his lips, voice dropping low. “Oh yeah? Whatcha got Darlin’?” 

 

You pull open your jean jacket and reach into the inside pocket, going slow like a standoff. Quickly unholstering a spork. It’s still in the plastic and you point it at him. 

 

“What the fuck is that?” He pulls back. 

 

“It’s a spork. You’ve never seen a spork?!?” He shakes his head no. “Come on now Buck! It’s the 21st century, everyone needs a fork and spoon combo!” 

 

“I don’t even know what to say about this, I think you win.” He lifts his hands in surrender.

 

“Darn tootin.” You tell him, sliding your spork back into your jacket pocket. 

 

“Mind me asking why you have cutlery in your clothes?” 

 

“You never know where there could be a food emergency. Also it has nothing to do with the fact that they gave me two with my parfait this morning.”

 

“If you already had breakfast this morning, why are you stealing bits of my muffin?” He tries to snatch the rest that was in your hand, but you just pop the large piece left, in your mouth. 

 

“Whacagonnadonow?” Chewing around the wad of muffin. 

 

He threw a napkin at your face. “Close your mouth, what would your mother say if she could see you?” 

 

You swallow. “I don’t know but if I saw her walking into the shop I would let out a blood curdling scream and not let her anywhere near my brains.” He just looks at you, puzzled. “Because she would be a zombie?” 

 

“Oh!” His eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, sorry.” 

 

You shrug. “It’s ok. Happened a while ago. She was sick for a long time, and now she’s not.” 

 

He nods understanding. “Stevie’s mom was like that too. Better to not be suffern’.” 

 

“Who knew I would have something in common with The Cap?” He could tell the tone is supposed to be humorous but it’s forced. 

 

“You mean that you’re not from the ‘40s with super strength and agility, and wear a big ol’ American flag on your chest?” He smirks, playing along. 

 

“Can’t say that I do.” You chuckle. 

 

The atmosphere at the table goes awkward. Can’t really go back to playful banter after death talk, so you decide to get going. “I should get the coffee I came for.” You tell him standing up from your seat. “I’ll see you around Bucky.” You go to walk past him, so you can get in line, but a firm grip on your wrist stops you. He lets go as soon as he’s seen he’s got your attention. 

 

“Instead of on accident, maybe we can meet on purpose next time?” He cringes inside. He knows he use to be good at this, but now wanted to recoil from how lame he sounded. “I know you’ve got my number but maybe I can…?” 

 

You blink down dumbly at the ex-assassin. Was he really asking for your number? What would that even mean? It’s not like he isn’t handsome, he’s actually freaking gorgeous now that some of the dark circles have faded and the stress doesn’t seem to be killing him, but this was the man that saw your sister die. Saving him was her final act. Did that make it more or less wrong?

 

“Ok.” You flipped your palm up to take his phone but he just looked puzzled. “You’re phone? I’ll put my number in.” 

 

“Yes, right.” He hands it to you with a look of relief. How embarrassing would it be for someone to find out, the first time back asking a girl out, he was rejected? 

 

After typing in your number, you hand the fancy phone back and pop in line, hoping it will move quickly. Today you actually had a real job interview. There was a small local art gallery that needed an assistant curator and with your background in restoration, even if you didn’t graduate, made you perfect for the job. If you hadn’t found something soon, ramen was going to be your greatest nutritional source for the foreseeable future. 

 

Bucky watched as you grabbed your coffee and hustled out of the shop, throwing him a smile and a wave as you passed the window. When you are out of sight, he picks up his phone and stares at your number, a small smile on his face. The smile drops as your sister’s face, eyes sightless and unblinking, flashes in his head. Guilt crawls up his spine and tightens in his chest. Was this a good idea? Steve thinks so, he should know. Bucky picks up the rest of his muffin and dumps it in the trash, appetite gone. He really needs a second opinion. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

Steve has been so happy the last few weeks. He sees Bucky healing again. Sleeping through the night again. It seemed like he had just gotten his friend to a stable place before the ‘incident’ happened, setting Bucky back months worth of work. The fact that Bucky walked into the compound with the same dark cloud, that Steve thought he got rid of for good, has his stomach in knots. “You ok there Pal?” Steve’s hand goes to Buck’s shoulder getting him to look up, instead of at the floor. 

 

“Yeah...I mean, no. I just don’t know anymore.” Bucky shakes his head and slumps against the warmth of his friend’s hand, leaning into it. 

 

“Lets go to my room and talk, ok?” Bucky just gives a nod as an answer and they walk the short distance to Steve’s room. Door shut firmly behind them, Steve walks with Bucky to the couch to sit. He waits until Bucky is ready, not wanting to push, but still kept physical contact to keep him grounded. 

 

“I saw her again today, my mystery girl. I did like you said too, got her number.” Steve nods when Bucky looks to him for approval, using his chin to let him know to continue. “She’s actually amazing.” A smile formed on Bucky’s lips that he wasn’t even aware of. “She stole my food.” Steve's eyebrows shot up. Even he knew better than that. “Said it was compensation for the cruller she shared with me the other day.” Steve chuckled lightly. “She’s smart and quick witted. We joked about how I could kill her with a toothpick and she could kill me with something called a spork? It was great, but after I asked for her number I got to thinking, is this wrong? It was her twin sister for God’s sake. She’s not alive because of me.”    
  
“You know that’s not true. Everyone has told you that.” 

 

“Yes but if I wasn’t there, she might still be alive today. If it had been you that went in instead, she may not have stepped in front. I know it sounds insane but I think she did it  _ because _ it was me. She knew me Steve, and it seemed more than just ‘you’re an Avenger’ sort of way.” 

 

This wasn’t the first time they had this conversation, he had hoped since seeing the changes in him after your talk he wouldn’t have it again. “You can’t keep doing this Buck. She doesn’t blame you, no one blames you but yourself. She seems like a great girl and I want you to be happy, but if it’s going to be too hard to look at her without thinking about all the negative events, maybe you shouldn’t call her.” 

 

Bucky’s lip was red and raw where he was chewing on it, listening to Steve talk. “It’s not about that. Yeah they’re twins but they don’t look exactly the same. I just don’t want to hurt her too. What if she changes her mind and comes to resent me?” 

 

Steve smiles. “If that’s what’s concerning you then I think you know your answer. You obviously like her if you’re more concerned with her getting hurt than yourself. You gotta trust that she knows how she feels and will be honest with you. That’s the only way you can start a relationship.” 

 

Bucky cocks his head at his friend. “How did you get to know so much about relationships, punk?” 

 

“Nat.” Steve said simply. 

 

You had a skip in your step as you walked out of the gallery. The interview went great and you were supposed to start the following Monday. Apparently they had a new showing and needed extra hands quickly. It was a stable job and paid pretty well too, your sister would be proud. Thinking about her now didn’t bring up the gnawing sadness or the hitch in your throat like it had done just a few weeks ago. You were finally at peace with with happened. 

 

The vibration from your pocket pulled you out of your thoughts and you brought out your phone, checking the ID. Bucky’s name shone out like a beacon, bringing a smile on your face. 

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Hey doll. Catch you at a bad time?” Bucky sounded more comfortable on the phone then he had in person asking for your number. His voice light and playful. 

 

“Not at all. I just got out of a job interview so you caught me right on time.” 

 

“Good.” Bucky’s voice on the phone reminded you of warm honey. Thick and smooth, sinfully sweet. “Did you get the job?” 

 

“I did indeed.” You tell him happily. 

 

“Congratulations. We should go out and celebrate your new found employment. Dinner tonight?” 

 

You stopped in your tracks, annoying the people walking on the sidewalk behind you. “Dinner?” 

 

Bucky’s voice stuttered and wavered a little. “Yeah...I thought...did you not want to?” 

 

“No! No, of course I want to. I’m just surprised is all. Why would a superhero want to hang out with little ol’ me?” You start walking again.

 

“I’m no hero doll.” You heard the sadness in his voice, even if he was trying to cover it up with sarcasm. “I just like being around you, talking to you.”

 

“I’ve had a nice time talking to you too.” You tell him fondly. “Dinner would be great.” 

 

“Text me your address and I’ll pick you up at 7. That work?” 

 

“Looking forward to it.” 

 

Bucky got off the phone, a grin spreading on his face. He had a date! His first since the ‘40s. 

 

“What’s got you so happy looking Mr. Frost?” Sam walked into the kitchen to find Bucky sitting at the table grinning at his phone. 

 

“Date.” Bucky replied gruffly, stuffing his phone in his pocket and moving to escape the room, not wanting Sam to ruin his good mood. 

 

“Really? I can’t imagine there are still women around your age that are spry enough to date you. Might want to see their last check up first, don’t want them to break a hip.” Sam laughed at his own joke. 

 

“You’re just jealous that no one wants to date you. I keep telling you it’s the ridiculous costume you’ve got, birdbrain.” Bucky did always find it nice that Sam didn’t walk on eggshells around him, but sometimes he wanted to strangle him. 

 

“At least I’ve got a sidekick instead of being the sidekick.” Bucky rolled his eyes at this.

 

“I’ve told you before I’m no one’s sidekick. I use to be Steve’s bodyguard, but then he grew up. Now I try to keep him out of trouble.” He grumbles. 

 

“And how’s that working out for you.” Sam says with a knowing grin. 

 

“You know you could try to help out with that. I know you worship him and all, but damn!” 

 

“What’re we arguing about this time?” Steve walks in, interrupting them. 

 

“Nothing.” Both Bucky and Sam tell Steve, who looks thoroughly unconvinced. 

 

Bucky hightails it out of there before Steve can use his new found ‘I’m Captain America and I’m disappointed in you’ look. He heard Tony call it his Jedi mind trick powers. Could make almost anyone feel guilty with just a hard stare. He already had enough to feel guilty about thank you very much. Another flash of your sister’s face grinds him to a halt and he has to shoot an arm out, steadying him to the wall to keep upright. So much guilt to go around. He swallows back the lump in this throat. This has to be a good idea, Steve said so. You just make him feel so good and normal that it just has to be right, right? Pushing off the wall, he remembers your smile and shoves all the negative down, masking it with his soldier mask that comes so easily now. Stalking his way out down the halls, intent on getting to his apartment in time to get ready for his date. 

 

Fortunately, he hadn’t forgotten all that he knew about wooing women. He shows up right on time at your door, a bouquet of flowers behind his back that he got from the corner stall. It was full of wildflowers, unique and colorful, just like you. Smoothing a hand over his hair one more time, he presses the button to your apartment. 

 

“Hello?” You sounded winded, out of breath. 

 

“Doll, it’s me.” 

 

“Bucky, right, good. I’ll be down in just a minute.” 

 

It was more like fifteen before you came rushing out of the lobby door, almost knocking into him. 

 

“Slow down doll. There isn’t a rush.” He chuckles at you and your flustered face. 

 

“Sorry.” You huffed out, catching your breath. “You are right on time, did you know that? It’s unexpected.” You giggle.

 

“Is that not a thing people do anymore? Be on time?” He chuckles. 

 

“Maybe it’s just the assholes I’ve dated in the past.” You shrug. 

 

“Well let’s start over shall we?” He pulls the bouquet from behind his back. Watching your eyes light up was worth the over priced bundle in his hands. 

 

“They are beautiful!”  You exclaimed, lifting them to your nose, happy smile on your face. Your torso half turns from him to the door, back and forth, wondering if you should take them upstairs or with you on the date. 

 

“You can go put them down.” He whispers in your ear, so close it makes you jump. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Has no one gotten flowers for you before doll?” 

 

You open your mouth, racking your brain, but come up empty. Jaw snapping shut, you just shake your head at him. His eyes go wide, before settling back with a softness you can’t understand. “Go upstairs and put them in water. I’ll be right here when you come back.” His voice soft and calming. 

 

Turning, you’ve got the door open before you look over your shoulder. “You don’t have to stand out here, you can come in if you want.” 

 

He chuckles. “It’s ok darlin’, maybe next time.” A smirk on his pretty lips. 

 

You flush a bit and go running up the stairs to the second floor, wrenching open your door. Grabbing a glass out of the cabinet, you mentally added ‘buy a vase’ to your to-do list, filling it with water and putting the flowers in. You pause to really appreciate them on your countertop before rushing back down to join Bucky. 

 

“Ok, all set.” You grin at him. 

 

He extends his elbow for you to take and soon the two of you are walking side by side down the sidewalk. 

 

“So tell me about this new job.” 

 

“It’s at a little art gallery in Greenpoint, nothing like the ones in Williamsburg or anything. Besides, it’s nothing special. I mean you save the  _ world _ , you save  _ people _ . My little nothing job can’t compare.” 

 

He snorts. “It’s not what I pictured I would be doing after I hit 100. Hell growing up, people were lucky to make it to 60.” He shakes his head, looking at his feet. “It’s all I know how to do doll. Plus I have to make up for all the bad I’ve done, or at least try.” 

 

You squeeze his elbow with your arm to get him to look at you. “YOU didn’t do anything. Hydra did. I know I’m not completely up to date, but I heard enough. Plus after I found out it was you that was there for my sister, I did a bit of research. There was a lot of bad information out there, about you and Steve, most of it was just wild speculation, but after meeting you, talking with you, I can tell you with 100% certainty that you, Bucky Barnes, are a good man. That I have no doubt.” 

 

Bucky’s eyes got big at your confession and looked away suddenly, concentrating hard on the concrete sidewalk. He’s quiet for a while and you didn’t want to push him to say anything back, so you just walk beside him as he leads you wherever you’re going. 

 

“I don’t know how you do it.” Bucky says quietly. 

 

“Do what?” 

 

“I tell you what’s bothering me and you put everything in perspective in just a few short sentences.”

 

You snort. “If I was that good I would be making more money being a psychotherapist.” 

 

“Nah, what you really want to do is be a psychologist. They get the drugs.” He smirks at you and the heavy tension is lifted. 

 

The two of you walk a bit further until he stops in front of a very old looking Italian place. “Here we are.” He tells you opening the door so you can go first. 

 

You’re seated in the back of the restaurant, his back against the wall so he can face out towards the entrance and the rest of the dining room. 

 

“I don’t think I’ve been here before.” You tell him glancing at the menu. 

 

“Really? It’s been here forever. I was surprised it was still around. Owners have changed a few times but it’s nice to have something familiar.” 

 

“I guess that’s really strange huh? The two of you waking up in the 21st century. So much has changed, even in the last 20 odd years. Technology has exploded.” 

 

“Steve gets frustrated with all the gadgets and gizmos, but secretly I love it. I was always a big fan of sci-fi, and now I get to live it. Plus Tony gets all the new toys, not that he lets me play with them or anything, but what good is it to be a stealthy assassin if you can’t sneak around.” He winks at you and you giggle thinking about him sneaking into Tony’s lab to mess around with the latest tech. 

 

The two of you order your food and have a quiet meal talking about what pop culture he’s caught up on and you make a few movie recommendations. Mostly comedies since they see enough action and horror in real life. It’s a lovely night as he walks you back to your place. 

 

“I’ve had a great time Bucky.” Standing on the bottom step so the two of you are more eye level, you tuck a piece of hair behind your ear. 

 

“Me too.” You watch him hesitate. It’s been a good night and now you’re at the goodnight kiss part, but you can see the conflict in his eyes. Deciding you wouldn’t let him overthink this, you lean in, hands tugging at the front of his button up to keep steady, and place a soft chase kiss to his lips. It seems to wake him up and before you can move away far, he’s pushing toward you, hand going to your lower back to press you against his chest. The kiss is needy and desperate, like he’s pouring 70 years of loneliness into that one action. He pulls back much quicker than you would like, but keeps his forehead pressed to you. 

 

“You want to do this again?” You ask him after a few minutes of just standing there, pressed close enough together that you can feel his breath on your face. 

 

His eyes are closed and you can feel the hand on your back tighten and squeeze for just a moment before he answers. “Yeah.” Bucky steps back at that, but you see the slight smile on his face. “Tomorrow?” 

 

“Yeah.” You grin. The same breathless inflection that he had. 

 

He steps forward once more to quickly press a swift kiss to your forehead before he turns to walk away. “Goodnight.” He calls, which you repeat to him before stepping back into the lobby of your building. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

 

It’s been a little over a month since you ran into the wall of muscle that you had tentatively started calling your boyfriend. After taking you out for dinner at the little italian place, there wasn’t a day that went by that you didn’t see him at some point. Whether it was a coffee and pastry at the bakery for breakfast, or dinner, or an art exhibition. You had tried a movie, but the crowds and closed in atmosphere didn’t do well with him. The two of you ended up leaving halfway through and he wouldn’t stop apologizing for it. The only way to shut him up was kissing him senseless, which you very much enjoyed, especially when he pushed you up against the brick wall of the building and you could really feel how much he liked you. 

 

That was the only strange part. You weren’t sure if it was from his upbringing or because of his hard life, but the two of you hadn’t had sex yet. He would always leave you frustrated and needy at the steps of your apartment, a “Not tonight darln’, next time.” on his lips, when you tried to invite him up. You could wait though. Wait and be patient for him, he was definitely worth it. 

 

You had honestly never felt this way in a relationship before. Yeah you dated, fucked, but there was never this deep connection. It hit you one night, laying in bed. You were texting him back and forth, stupid silly things. He was telling you about Natashia and how close she was to him, but you didn’t even question it. You trusted him. 

 

Badboys also weren’t new to you. That was your shick, it was also your downfall in your dating life. You could never trust them and always had to keep yourself protected. Bucky of course was objectively the worst ‘badboy’ you ever dated. He had a mysterious past, he’s killed people, he still kills people when necessary. You didn’t doubt for a moment that he could kill you with a toothpick, but he was also soft and sweet. He was loyal and protective. It was obvious he cared about you too and for the first time you trusted someone with your heart. You knew you loved him, but knew he wasn’t ready to hear it yet. The best you could hope for right now was some relief of the sexual variety, the flowery confessions could come later. 

 

The two of you had just gotten back from a date. You had invited him out to an art opening at the gallery you worked at. Watching his eyes and the amazement on his face made you fall a little more for him. Currently, you were in the same place all your dates ended. With you pressed up against the railing of the steps to your apartment building, his tongue down your throat and hand on your neck and hip, kissing the life out of you. 

 

“Bucky…” You start to pull back, and a disgruntled noise comes from the back of his throat. “Come in with me Bucky. Please? I need this, I need you.” You knew you sounded desperate and needy, but you just couldn’t stand it anymore. The growl you receive from him as he's moved to kissing your neck, makes you think he needs it too. 

 

“I know doll, I do. I just can’t. I don’t trust myself yet, but please believe me that I want this just as badly.” 

 

You giggle. “Yeah I can feel that.” He pulls back from you and gives you a sheepish look, hiding his face in his hair. You reach up to push the tendrils back behind his ears. “It’s alright. I don’t get it, but it’s ok.” 

 

He chewed on his lip as he searched your eyes. “I’m worried I’d hurt you.” He finally confessed. “I hadn’t been with a woman since before, at least not that I remember. I don’t want to lose control and squeeze too hard or something.” 

 

“I’m not made of glass Bucky, you won’t break me.” 

 

“But I could. Doll, I can rip doors from hinges, if I get too caught up I can hurt you, badly.” 

 

“Bucky, I could easily break a baby, or an egg, or a million other things, but I don’t. It’s subconscious how hard you can touch. You don’t hurt me when we makeout, even with your hands on my hips and grinding.” He sighs and lays his forehead on your shoulder. “You also forget I can speak. If I tell you it hurts I know you’ll back off. I trust you.” 

 

“Ok.” He licks his lips. “Let me think about it alright?” 

 

“Maybe talk to Steve too. He would be in a similar situation, other than the arm thing.” You watch as he moves his left arm from your sight, but you don’t let him and pull it from behind his back. “I trust all of you.” Bringing his metal hand to your face, you rest it on your cheek kissing his palm. 

 

He pulls you close, tucking you into his chest before kissing the top of your head and telling you “Goodnight”. The rest of the night you spend restless. You sort of understand his fears, but also think he’s letting his head get in the way again. During your text session with him after he got home, he said he would spend most of tomorrow at his apartment but wanted to see if you could come out for an early dinner. Of course you had yet to say no to one of his invitations, but it made you think, maybe you should get him out of his head. He might be more comfortable in his own place instead of yours. A plan was hatching as you drifted off to sleep. 

 

It wasn’t hard to figure out which apartment was his. He had already pointed out his building when you walked past it one night. Figuring out he just hadn’t bothered to put a name on the buzzer list for the door was easy. It also helped that you recognized the gruff voice over the speaker straight away. If you had been a solicitor, the unfriendly growl of his voice would have scared you off. 

 

“Hey Buck it’s me. Can I come up?” 

 

“Doll?” He hesitates and stutters a little. “Yeah, sure.” 

 

The buzzer sounds and you go in and across the lobby to the elevator. The doors open on his floor and he’s standing already on the other side. 

 

“Is everything ok? I was coming to pick you up in a few hours.” 

 

“I know, I was just thinking we could hang out before our date. If that’s ok?” 

 

“Hang out? I don’t see why not.” He gives you a suspicious look, but you push past him and to his door. 

 

Walking in like you’ve been there before, you take everything in for the first time. It’s a small little apartment, but clean. Not much in the way of personal items or photos on the walls. There is a tiny kitchen to your right, barely enough room for the stove and what seems to be an even smaller living room. The couch takes up most of the space. A door on your left and a door on your right, past the kitchen, is the entirety of his living space. You weren’t surprised, knowing he wasn’t one for knick knacks or frills. 

 

The sound of the door closing behind you, brought you out of your thoughts. “You wanna sit?” Bucky asked from behind you. He seemed nervous, not knowing what to make of you just showing up. You tried to give him a warm reassuring smile as you sat on the couch. “Umm did you want something to drink? I think all I have is OJ and water.” He scratches the back of his neck. 

 

“I’m fine. Come and sit with me.” You pat the spot next to you on the couch. 

 

Now that you’re here you start to second guess if this was a good idea or not. Maybe he really wasn’t ready and this would push him away. He seemed to not want to meet your eyes as he sat and you didn’t understand why he was so withdrawn. 

 

He sat down beside you, but keeping a little space. You watched a few emotions flitter across his face before his jaw ticked and he wore his blank expression, hiding his emotions. “Look, I can guess why you’re here so you don’t have to say anything. I get it. Just go on and leave. I won’t contact you again. The only thing I ask is just call me or Steve if you’re in trouble. I don’t want you to think you can’t count on us to help.” 

 

The shocked expression was crystal clear on your face, and when Bucky saw it he dropped his mask and looked at you confused. 

 

“Bucky, what do you think is happening right now?” 

 

His brows furrow. “I...you...aren’t you breaking up with me? After yesterday?” 

 

“God no!” You launched yourself at him, holding him tight. It took a couple of seconds before his arms went around you. “I’m sorry I just showed up, but that’s not happening.” You pulled back to really look at him. Maybe instead it was time for the flowery confession if he thought you could drop him so easily. “Bucky, I love you. I’m not going anywhere.” Your hands reach up to cup his cheeks before he crushes you against him. You laugh into his bear hug, before tapping him on the side to loosen up, with a “Bucky…” wheezed out. 

 

“Sorry doll, did I hurt you?” Concern on his face. 

 

“No.” You chuckle. “Not anymore than anyone else that hugs that tight. I told you, you aren’t going to hurt me.” You’ve scooted closer to him and are practically in his lap, wondering if you should even continue the original plan you came her for. “I’m sorry I freaked you out by coming over unexpectedly.” You tell him, laying your head on his shoulder, trying to buy yourself some time to figure out what to do next. 

 

“For the record…” He lifts your chin up with two fingers. “I think I love you too. I just didn’t want to say it too early. I’m glad you came to tell me that.” His soft smile had you melting as he placed his lips against yours gently. Part of you wanted to correct his mistake in the assumption that that was why you showed up at his door, but the other part was enjoying herself too much to stop. 

 

His lips and tongue trance down your mouth, down your neck, nipping at the exposed skin he found. Bucky pulled you into his lap and at first you were worried about hurting him with your weight on his thighs, before you remembered that the man under you could bench press a car. 

 

It’s not long before his mouth is back on yours, deepening the kiss and moaning as your hips rotate in his lap. His hands on your ass to pull you closer. He pulls back a little and you look down to see his thick rosey lips, kiss swollen, and his eyes dark. He seems to be drinking you in, hands roaming down your sides and thumbs grazing the underside of your breasts. You can feel his erection pressing into you. 

 

“Bucky…” You moan as you feel him pushing up against your panties. The skirt of your dress was pushed up so only that was between you and his jeans. He grinds himself into you again, and pulls at your hips. “Bucky...you don’t have to do this if you’re not ready….ah fuck!” The way he’s been rubbing hits your clit just right and it takes your breath away. 

 

“I know darlin’, but you’re right.” He pants in your ear. His hot breath sending shivers down your spine. “I’m gettin’ too caught up in my head. I’m counting on ya to tell me if I go too far.” 

 

You grin down at him, pressing your lips to his hungerly. “If that’s the case….Bucky, please fuck me.” 

 

A strangled groan is his response and he stands from the couch with you attached to him. A startled yelp is released from you which makes him chuckle. “I got ya.” You do feel very steady against him with one of his arms under your butt and the other parallel to your spine. He walks to the door opposite the kitchen, which has just enough room for a queen bed and a dresser. You bounce a little when he drops you in the middle of the bed, a giggle falls from your lips and he smiles down at you. 

 

Grabbing the back of his tee shirt, he pulls it off, tossing it who knows were. You get up on your knees and your hands go to the edge of your dress to pull it off, but his hands stop you. “Let me?” Nodding at him, you watch in fascination as he slowly pulls the garment off, like he’s savoring the moment. The dress drops from his fist and he brings his hands up, touching each patch of skin reverently. From your neck, down your collarbone, over bra clad breast, teasing just the tops of the cups with his fingers. Down your stomach and over the tops of your thighs. You lean into his touch, wanting more. 

 

He pulls back and sheds his jeans, the tent in his boxers obvious. Climbing onto the bed, he kneels in front of you, mimicking your position. He doesn’t have to tell you want he wants as you reach out and run your hands over him. Exploring his body just as he did yours. Watching as he gasps when your thumb runs over a nipple. Your fingers trace the lines of his muscles in his abs and the bit of v-line you can see over his underwear. 

 

As you get to his legs, he pulls you to him, pressing you flush against him. Kissing you fiercely he unhooks your bra with just a snap of his wrist. Chuckling again as he pulls back to toss it to the side. “That’s a lot easier now.” You nip at his bottom lip in annoyance, but can’t stop the smile on your face. He growls playfully and pushes you back on the bed, straddling your hips. His hands once again roaming your front, pay particular attention to your now exposed breasts. You moan as he leans down to suck on each one, tongue flicking out to your hardened nipples. 

 

Switching positions, he lays over you, one arm supporting his weight as he kisses down to your panties, skipping them entirely and going for your inner thighs. Licking and kissing closer and closer to your covered core. 

 

“Baby, you smell beautiful.” He licks a strip up your panties and you gasp. “Taste good too.” He smirks. 

 

“Maybe you should go for seconds.” You tease when your brain starts back up again. 

 

“Good idea.” 

 

He hooks his fingers into the waistband and drops them with the rest of your cloths. That’s when you fully realize that he’s a damn tease. His tongue and lips going everywhere but your clit. His hands on the back of your thighs, holding you up and open to him. The grip so strong you couldn’t move, even if you wanted to. His hands get closer together so his thumbs can pull you apart, completely exposing you to his eyes and mouth. 

 

“Bucky please…” You whimper as you feel him blowing on your heated center. “Please we can do the long drawn out teasing later. I just really need you to make me cum, I can’t take it anymore.” 

 

You think you hear another chuckle from between your legs but soon it doesn’t matter as you can’t form another rational thought. He is now on a mission, knows exactly where to press, lick, suck to make you lose your mind. Releasing one of your legs, his finger circles over your entrance as his mouth is on your clit. One finger pushes in easily, even two, but three he has to work a bit, before he’s curling them into you. 

 

You’ve felt on edge since you could feel his cock through his jeans on the couch, and finally you scream your release, not caring who hears. He works you though it and as you come down, you notice he’s shed his boxers and is resting on his elbows above you, kissing your face and neck. 

 

The smug look on his face as he watches your loopy smile has you incredibly happy. You can feel the warmth radiate out your chest for the man above you, he looks perfect in this moment. 

 

“Ready?” He asks almost timidly. 

 

“For you? Always.” His head falls to your chest and you can see a bit of pink on his cheeks through his hair. 

 

Adjusting himself, he lines up to you and pushes in slowly. He’s still overly cautious in hurting you. Moaning you hook your legs around him, using your heels to press him forward. You’re not able to move him but he takes the hint and goes a bit faster, bottoming out. His face scrunching up in concentration, you kiss quick light kisses all over to get him to focus on you. 

 

“It’s ok. I’ll tell you if it hurts. Just relax and let go ok?” Looking him in the eye, his lips thin out and he nods. You feel him relaxing just so and he starts to move. 

 

It feels incredible. His hips snapping to yours in the perfect amount of roughness, both of you panting and moaning. 

 

“Bucky…” Your voice rough with want. You actually feel his control slip and he finally lets go. Losing himself in your body. 

 

“Fuck...oh yess...god!” He leans in, moaning into your ear, but the name he says has tears stinging in your eyes that weren’t caused by pleasure. The rough panting of your breath, not from the lust building. You try to push him off, tears running down your face. He doesn’t budge and it takes him a few seconds to even realized what you are trying to do. Pulling back he stalls, his face dropping in horror when he sees yours. “You ok? Did I hurt you?” 

 

“Get off!” The malice in your voice freezes him. You push again. 

 

“What?” He doesn’t understand what’s happening. 

 

“Fucking get off of me.” You push a final time, and he pulls back like you’ve burned him, sitting on his heels on the edge of the bed. You jump up and start dragging your clothes back on. He calls your name, trying anything to get you to just look at him. Scoffing “You finally remember now don’t you?” The quiet mumble leaves you, forgetting he can hear it all. 

 

He says your name again. “I don’t understand. What did I do? Did I hurt you? You said you would tell me if that happened.” He moves to grab your arm, to get you to stop and look at him. 

 

“You said the wrong name asshole!” You shout at him and he flinches. “Is that all I am to you? A substitute for her? To ease your guilt? I’m not her!” 

 

“What? Who?” The genuine confusion on his face makes you falter, but a flashback of his voice calling out her name while fucking you slams the door to your sympathy. 

 

“My sister. You fucking said my sister’s name.” Cold and harsh, venom dripping with each syllable as you walk out the door. Bucky’s left sitting there on his bed as his heart is crushed by your words. Hands in his hair, the scream that is ripped from his lungs echos through the building. You pause mid stride down the sidewalk when you hear it. It fades and you keep walking. 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for anyone that lost someone recently.

 

Steve hasn’t seen Bucky in a few days, which he figured he was busy with you, but when he doesn’t show up for the meeting that morning, ice runs through his veins. He gets through it as quickly as possible before he’s tearing out of the building and riding down the road to Bucky’s place. 

 

There’s no answer at the door when he pounds on it, and dread forms in his stomach. Did Hydra find him? Somehow snatched him without a fight? He doesn’t see any broken points of entry. If that had been the case you surely would have come looking for him at the compound. The two of you had been practically inseparable. Steve pulls out his phone when another round of knocking fails to produce an answer. Scrolling down the list, he stops on your name. Bucky had given it to him ‘in case of emergency’, and right now this felt like an emergency. 

 

“Hello?” He could hear the hoarseness of your voice and said your name to confirm he had the right number. “Yeah...wait, is this Steve?” 

 

“I’m sorry to call you, but I’m looking for Bucky. He didn’t show up at the compound this morning and he’s not answering his door or his phone. Is he with you?” 

 

“No, no he’s not and you can lose this number. I don’t plan on seeing him again.”

 

“What? What happened?” Steve’s brow furrows. It’s much worse than he thought. He hears the hurt in your voice, but knows that Bucky wouldn’t do anything deliberately unless he thought he was protecting you. 

 

“I hate to break it to you but your friend is an asshole.” On some level you knew that you were speaking with Captain America, the pillar of truth, justice...blah, blah, blah, or maybe that was Superman. Either way you didn’t care. “He fucking used me, manipulated me, all to make himself feel better. Ease the fucking guilt.” You sniffle, trying to keep the tears you had cried all night, back. “I can’t believe I ever trusted him, thought for a second he actually liked me, for me. No it’s always my sister, the favorite, the only one that ever mattered and now she’s gone. It should have been me that died so the two of them could live happily ever after, but no he got stuck with me. A poor man’s substitute.” You were openly sobbing now, not caring if he heard. “Just fuck off Steve.” At that you hung up. 

 

Steve brought the phone down, just staring at the device in his hand as a crack runs down the middle of the screen. He loosens his grip and pockets it again, slapping his palm on Bucky’s door in frustration. “What the fuck did you do?” He mutters to the empty hallway, not expecting an answer from inside the apartment. 

 

“It’s my fault.” Bucky’s quiet muffled voice barely reaches Steve’s ears. 

 

“Goddamn it Buck! Come open this door right now or I swear I will knock it down.” 

 

The Bucky that finally answers the door is cold and stoic. A blank mask, that if Steve didn’t see the twinge of pink around his eyes would make him think that the Winter Soldier is back. Steve pushes past him and starts pacing in the living room, he stops when he sees the destruction around him. Bucky’s apartment was sparsely decorated and held little furniture, but what he did have was broken and ripped apart. Pillows with stuffing torn out, mugs and glasses shattered against the wall, laying in pieces on the floor. 

 

“What the fuck happened here and what is your fault?” Steve crossed his arms, waiting for his friend to tell him what is going on. Bucky just shuffles to the kitchen, sitting on a bar stool by the counter. 

 

“I could hear her on the phone yelling at you. Sorry about that.” 

 

“What did she mean you used her? And she was talking about her sister? What does that have to do with you and her?” Steve had an inkling on what it was all about, but he couldn’t voice it. Believe it. Bucky wasn’t that kind of guy. 

 

“It’s true. All of it. I used her to ease my own guilt about her sister, about what Hydra made me do, everything. It’s the only explanation.” The last bit he said quietly, mostly to himself as he stared at the island counter in front of him, not looking up at Steve as he drew nearer. 

 

“Bucky, I’m only going to say this once. Tell me exactly what happened.” 

 

So Bucky did. Laid it all out for him. From the beginning of the relationship to how he fucked it all up. Steve just stood quietly through the whole thing, only slightly flinching when he told him what he did to break you. Bucky hadn’t looked at him once the whole time he was talking, but after it was all said and done he couldn’t stand the silence. The moment their eyes met, Steve clocked him and sent him off the stool into the floor, broken glass and ceramic surrounding him. 

 

Steve stood over him, seething. Hands clenching and unclenching into tight fists. Bucky just laid there, not defending himself and not making up any excuses. He had no idea why he did what he did, he wasn’t even thinking about anything but how good you felt and the sweet smell of your perfume. He had no excuse to give. 

 

The fire in Steve’s eyes started to cool as he watched his friend lie there in despair. Reaching down, he offered a hand up to Bucky, pulling him from the mess he made of his kitchen. Steve’s nose wrinkled as he caught a whiff of the man in front of him. 

 

Dragging Bucky to the bathroom and shoving him in the shower, Steve left to fix him something hot to eat. Scrambled eggs and toast was about all he could find to make from the mostly empty fridge. Watching Bucky carefully to make sure he finished it all, Steve shooed him to his room to sleep before he got to work cleaning up the mess he had made all over the place. 

 

You hadn’t been fairing much better. The last few days didn’t feel real. The anger had turned to numbness as you went through your day mechanically. You went to work when you were supposed to, you ate when you were supposed to, you went home when you were supposed to, then spent the nights sitting in your bed crying. This couldn’t last, you told yourself. It wasn’t healthy, but you had never felt this gaping hole before. Breaking up with someone sucked, but it was never this. Somehow it felt as if you had lost your sister all over again. 

 

Walking between the trees and headstones, you found yourself at her grave more and more. The first time you visited was right after you got back from France, it was one of your first stops. You knew that until you saw the marker, it just wouldn’t be real to you, and you hadn’t been back until that same afternoon that Bucky said the wrong name. Leaving his apartment you went straight to her graveside and raged. Telling her it was unfair that she still was better than you, that she still was the most important, than blaming her for leaving you all alone. One of the groundskeepers had found you curled up asleep, arms wrapped around the granite headstone. After that you found yourself there practically everyday. Feeling a little less alone sitting on the wet grass six feet above her. 

 

The call from Steve broke you even more. The numbness not coming as easily. Somehow knowing that Bucky was having a hard time too made it worse. You wanted to get angry, like you had been on the call with Steve, but it just wouldn’t come. Visiting her gravesite wasn’t helping anymore either. It seemed you couldn’t find peace no matter where you went. That’s when you remembered about the storage unit. Maybe being around her things would help? 

 

The key was making an indention in your palm from how tightly you gripped it. Stepping quickly to the door, you lifted it up and look at what was left of her. Honestly you should have gone through these items months ago. You could barely afford the space, but you couldn’t bring yourself to go through it until now. There were boxes stacked up on the sides from where the movers had packed everything, cheap Ikea furniture scattered about. You set about pulling out things that held no sentimental value and you didn’t need for your own home. They would need to be collected by the trash company or maybe goodwill would come pick them up for you. 

 

Your mind went blank as you worked. Looking over some of the random things she kept. Most of the important things were small and in the boxes. You decided it would be best to take the boxes back to your apartment to go through slowly and in private, in case you started to cry again. The looks the other tenants had given you when you pulled out a piece of macaroni art from the 3rd grade already embarrassed you enough. 

 

It took you days to go though just the big items, deciding what you would keep and what you would throw away or donate. Her tv was bigger and nicer than yours so that was definitely a keep, but most of the furniture wasn’t to your tastes, so it was donated. You now had a sizable collection of boxes taking up a large chunk of space in your apartment, but the unit was clean which was one less bill to pay. 

 

Your sister was a lot more sentimental than you gave her credit for. She had kept a number of your school projects and toys from when you were children. The most surprising thing you found, were diaries. Somehow she had been keeping them since she was 12 and you had never seen any of them. So that’s what you spent most of your nights doing now when you got home from work. Reading her journals and learning so much you didn’t know before. 

 

She wanted to be a writer and some of her notebooks were filled with short stories, but she knew the low chance she had at making a living off of it, so she went to school for practical things. The writing never stopped, it just got better as she got older. Apparently she took a few creative writing courses too. 

 

The worst diary to get through was during the alien invasion on New York. You hadn’t been here at the time, but you knew she had. She told you that she had been near it, but not to worry she was safe. That was the extent of your talk with her about it, but she had lied. She hadn’t wanted you to worry, so she left out the part of being trapped in a building and almost getting hit by gun fire. That’s when she became a little obsessed with the Avengers. Steve had saved her life and she watched the rest of the team fight off the invasion. From then on there was some sort of information about the Avengers in her diary. Some mention about what the gossip channels said, or frustration on how they were portrayed in the media. You had no idea. 

 

When she had found out that The Winter Soldier had been Steve’s best friend Bucky, she had gone into research mode. There were pages and pages of everything she could scrounge up. She refused to believe the narrative that Bucky had betrayed his best friend and country without an explanation. Eventually she found it, ‘Hydra’ scribbled everywhere in the margins. 

 

She knew more of the details of what Bucky had gone through than you had. Reading some of the accounts of what she found was horrifying. The way she wrote about him made it all click. She had been in love with this man she never met. Wanting to protect him and give him peace. Of course she would step in front and take the hit. Her last words becoming clearer, “no...hurts” didn’t mean herself, but Bucky, she didn’t want him to hurt anymore. 

 

You sobbed for your sister and for the man that still had a place in your heart. You had found one common ground with her and you knew what you had to do. Even if you could never forgive him, he needed to see this. He needed peace. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think going through a loved one’s items that has passed is probably one of the hardest things someone has to do. I didn’t spend a lot of time on it but hopefully at least a little of that emotion was captured here.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

 

Pages crinkled as you gripped the little notebook that held your sisters words. A chanting mantra of ‘you can do this, you can do this’ sounded through your head as you stood in front of Bucky’s door. You barely had lifted your arm to knock when the door swung open wide. 

 

He looked the same as the last time you saw him. The dark circles under his eyes might have been a little deeper but he still took your breath away. For some reason, after your call with Steve, you expected him to be a little worse off. Unkempt and wearing stained sweatpants, he deserved to feel miserable, but the nagging voice in the back of your head told you that wasn’t really true and you were happy he looked ok. 

 

“I heard you standing out here.” As way of explanation, his voice a little more gravelly than last you heard it. 

 

“Can I come in?” 

 

He seemed surprised but nodded all the same. You step around him and head to the couch to sit. 

 

“I found some things.” You start as he takes up the spot beside you, still leaving enough room that someone could have sat in between. “I went through the storage unit that had my sister’s items. You know I had been needing to clean it out for a while and I finally did it.” He nodded again, the corner of his lip twitched a little. “That’s when I came across this. She had kept diaries I didn’t know about and this one in particular…” You swallow down the lump forming and hold the notebook out to him. “This one is about you. I marked the page where it starts.” 

 

His brow furrows as he take the little book. “I hadn’t met her before, why was she writing about me?” 

 

“Please just read it. I’ll wait.” 

 

It was by no means a short section, but you didn’t want to leave him to face this alone. Even if he had hurt you tremendously he was still a good man. You watched as his face went from confusion, to surprise, to the click of understanding as he got to the end. You were wound up tight waiting on his reaction to what you just showed him. 

 

His tongue darted out to wet his lips as he closed the little notebook carefully, hand running gently over the cover. “Why?” Was the only question he could think to ask. Why him? Why even tell him? Why was she so interested?

 

“Steve saved her life. She learned all she could about him and his life, which brought her to you.” You held your breath a little before it came rushing out, along with your words. “We had more in common that I thought. Seems we were both in love with you.” 

 

His head jerked up to look at you, but your eyes were still on the notebook sitting in his lap. “Were…” He breaths, handing over the delicate item. 

 

“Just thought you should know.” You tell him, ignoring the one word that shatters your heart all over again. “You can stop wondering why now. It really was her choice. No one could have stopped her in that moment, and I understand how she felt.” You sigh and stand up, still not looking at him. “Have a good life Buck. I truly hope you can find someone that can be what you need.” 

 

You only make it a step before his hand shoots out to grab you by the forearm. His grip gentle and loose, you look down at his hand on your skin. “Wait, please doll. Just…” Your eyes travel from his hand, up his arm, until you are finally looking at him. The pain in his eyes is worse than the first day you met him and it has you rooted to the spot. “It just can’t end like this.” His voice broken as he looks into your eyes for the first time in almost a month. He’s played the good little soldier, for Steve. Pretended to be alright, gone back to his routine before he met you, but he doesn’t want to live the lie anymore. You’re here, in his apartment and he doesn’t want to lose you again. 

 

Turning to face him, he drops his hand away. “Then give me an explanation. Something to justify why you broke my heart.” You stand there and watch as his face collapses, not having anything to say for himself. “Goodbye, Bucky.” 

 

“I don’t know ok?!” He stands and practically shouts at you. “I’ve racked my brain over and over again, but I was just thinking about you and how perfect you were. How beautiful and how I got so damn lucky to find you. That you would even agree to be mine. But it wasn’t lucky for you, was it?. It cost you your fucking sister and I should still go to hell for that, because all I felt was fucking grateful that it wasn’t you. For once I wasn’t guilty that she had died, I was god damn happy because it meant I had you!” Bucky fell to his knees, his hands on his head, nails scraping painfully in his hair as a broken whine is released from his chest. He hadn’t intended to admit he was happy she was dead, especially to you. He hadn’t even admitted it to himself until it all came spilling out of him. The thought of you walking out that door and never coming back, pulled the truth from his soul. He knew you would leave then. Knew you would never want him after what he just confessed. It took a moment to register the soft warmth surrounding him, and the even softer voice in his ear. 

 

“Shhhh, it’s ok, it’s ok.” You whisper comfortingly. Your arms wrapped around him as you knelt on his level. Running your hands up to try and loosen his own, to keep him from hurting himself further. You gently pry back his fingers until you can intertwine your hands in his. He slumps forward, like the strings holding him up have been cut. Arms around your waist and head on your shoulder, you can feel his tears seep into the shirt you are wearing, but he doesn’t make a sound. 

 

You hold him like that even after your knees and legs go numb, not pulling away until he’s ready to let you go, stroking his hair and back as he calms down. 

 

Watching him break down has tears running down your cheeks as you try to keep your voice steady and comforting. This wasn’t how you thought this would go, and even now you’re struggling to figure out why you can’t let him go. Why you can’t walk out the door. Of course the answer was simple, you loved him and he was in pain because of you. Chewing over his words as you rubbed his back and head, murmuring soft words and phrases to him, sometimes even just a gentle hum. You feel some of the tension in his shoulders relax as you sit and hold him. 

 

He starts to stir and shift and without thinking you brush your lips over his forehead as he pulls his head back to look at you. Both of you freeze as you realize what you’ve done. Eyes glancing back and forth, seeming to dare the other person to move. Your eyes flick quickly to his mouth and that’s all it takes to get him to pull you closer by the back of your neck. Lips crashing into yours like a man starved for affection. 

 

You melt into him, needing this just as much as he does. Your head screaming at you that it’s a mistake and that it would never work out. The taste of his mouth as he deepens the kiss drowns out your thoughts, leaving you heady and light feeling. The warmth spreading through you, makes you feel like you’re glowing. You’re hands go from clinging on his shirt to under it, running them down his back, feeling his skin and the heat radiating off of it. He moans out at the contact, and you push in closer. 

 

His arms go around and under your thighs, and without even breaking the kiss, he stands up taking you with him. The trip to the bed is quick and the soft mattress on your back feels good after being hunched over for so long on the hard floor. Once you’ve been deposited into the bed, the kisses become sweet and lazy. Taking his time savoring every moment and you can’t help but smile. He feels it and pulls back, finally releasing your lips. 

 

Pulling his knees up to either side of your hips so he can support his weight on just his legs, his hands hold your face and he leans down to press your foreheads together. “I love you. Please, please believe I love you, so much.” He begs. Tears well in your eyes and he swipes them away with a brush of his thumbs. “I know you can’t forgive me for what I said the last time we were in this bed, or tonight, but please just let me hold you. Just let me love you for one more night, and I will let you go.” 

 

“Do you truly mean that? Even if we just lay here and sleep? You would be able to let me go after, get back to a normal place?” 

 

“Darlin’ I’ve never been in a normal place, but for you? For this? It would be enough. Please say yes.” The hope in his eyes started to shine through, that you could at least give him that. 

 

The night swirled through your head. All the things he said and did. In your heart you knew that your mind had been made up when he collapsed in front of you and you followed him down. “Bucky…” your hands come up from your side and wrap around his neck, playing with the soft hair there. His eyes close savoring the feel of your hands on him. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I want or need.” He looks devastated and the rest of your words tumble out in a rush. “No baby, no that’s not what I meant.” You reach up to hold his face as he held you before. “I mean I can’t just do one night. I can’t do this anymore. I miss you. I don’t want you to not be in my life. I still love you.” 

 

You thought the reaction would be immediate, but he just hovered above you, not making a move or a sound. It was honestly starting to worry you. “Baby? Are you ok?” He ignores your question with one of his own, barely a whisper. “You forgive me?” The awe in his voice makes it hard to breath, let alone speak, so you settle for a simple nod. The reaction you thought you would get before, comes now. His arms around you and lifting you into a sitting position so he can hold you to him. The grin he has lights his whole face up and you can’t help but to let out a bubbling sound of joy, seeing him look so happy.

 

Kisses are planted all over your face making you giggle and squirm away. “Thank you sweetheart, you won’t regret it.” He tells you when he finally relents. His hand at your back, holding you to him and the other combing your hair with his fingers. “I promise I will love you and take care of you the rest of your life, doll. Thank you for giving me a second chance and trusting me.” He’s so soft when he says it that you just have to believe him. Realistically you know that feelings can change, that people can grow apart and nothing can be guaranteed, but for right now, in this moment, it’s all you’ve ever wanted to hear. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday. Family took up my whole day and I went to take a "nap" at 6pm and just went to bed lol. I know the ending is bit ambivalent, and at some point I might do an epilogue but right now this is the end.   
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos and for going through this sad story together.


End file.
